Lodestar Bonus Content

Download

Take a peek into how Star escaped her past life and first met Hunter Lachlan in this deleted scene.

Please be sure to read the trigger warning before beginning.

Bonus Scenes

Conor's Letter to Star

Dear Star,

It feels weird calling you that sometimes.

You were Lodestar to me for such a long time, and now you’re Star.

You’re the woman I think about when I wake up.

You’re the woman I think about when I fall asleep.

I could be indiscreet and tell you that you’re the woman I jack off to, but I mean, that would be rude.

Wouldn’t it?

Or maybe you want to hear that?

Maybe you’d want to know that you’re the first woman to make me think about things like that in years.

I wish I knew why you did this to me but sometimes, these things can’t be questioned.

Sometimes they SHOULDN’T be questioned.

I want to tell you that I love you but I think you’d run away.

I want to tell you that I need you but I think the idea of being needed would scare you.

So, what I’ll say is…

Thank you for being in my life.

Thank you for being at the other end of the phone.

Thank you for being so perfectly, irritatingly you.

Yours,
Conor

Copyright Serena Akeroyd 2022

Senior's Letter to Conor

Son,

By the time you read this note, I’ll be dead and gone.

When it came down to it, I know you’ll agree that I made the right decision.

In the aftermath, New York might be chaotic.

Junior, though he doesn’t like to admit it, is an apostle short of the Last Supper, so I don’t fear much for the Five Points. Aside from these Sparrow fuckers, of course. I imagine they’re on your hit list. If not, make it happen.

Now, before I die, I want to make it known that if your uncle Padraig starts sniffing around your mother, you’re to send him back to fucking Canada via the Niagara Falls, do you hear me? No barrel. Cement shoes aren’t optional.

He had his eye on her before he decided to betray us all and fled north—little bastard—and now that I’m gone, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to get his feet under the table.

That’s the thing with little brothers—would they jump in your grave as quickly?

If she has to move on, which I’m not sure I want her to, but if she does, then there has to be someone better than him, for fuck’s sake.

Anyway, this isn’t about business or your mother.

It’s about you, my boy.

They say that the middle child gets forgotten but there has never been any forgetting you.

I may not have shown you in a way that was fair, but I’ve been proud of you since the moment you were born and you’ve only ever exceeded my expectations.

When I first married your mother, I never imagined the sons she’d gift me.

Children, Conor, are the sources of the most joy you’ll ever experience. The most pain too. But the joy outweighs the pain.

I’d have had a dozen children with your ma if we’d been blessed but that’s something the Lord took out of our hands.

It’s my deepest regret that I experienced only a few short years with my grandchildren. I never imagined you six would take your sweet time in giving them to us… Your ma will need them so don’t hang around too long, okay?

All of this is to tell you that as much as I wish for the love of a good woman for you, I wish the love of a family too.

You’re the most isolated of my boys and, though this will come as a surprise, it’s one of my biggest fears that you won’t find the woman who’ll respect your worth, who’ll accept your unusual habits, and who’ll embrace how close you are to your brothers.

I’ve made many mistakes in my role as a father, but I didn’t fail in making you all as close as you are.

Family is everything, son. Everything.

And yet, your ma wasn’t the woman your grandmother would have picked for me. She stood back and gave your ma hell.

Do you remember that emerald cabochon your grandmother used to wear? It was her engagement ring. She was supposed to give that to me when I proposed to my future bride.

I’ll never understand why my ma disliked Lena so much but she did and she denied me that ring until the day she died.

That’s in the box if you didn’t open that first.

It’s the ring I hope you’ll give to the woman you want for your own.

I’m thinking you might have your eye on someone. Heard that you might have found her, not that your brothers will talk about you but they think I’m deaf sometimes. Junior was talking about a fucking penguin and I was thinking I’d have to take you to Father Doyle for an exorcism! Don’t know where he got that from, but anyway—I hope she is the one.

I hope she makes your soul come alive.

I hope she makes you switch off your computer.

More importantly, I hope she makes you feel like you’ve found your home.

Whatever can be said about your ma, she made me feel and she became my home.

For a man like me, that’s rare. I think it’ll be the same for a man like you too, Conor, but maybe this penguin of yours will be all that and more. (I hope she is.)

I haven’t told you enough, but I love you, son.

Be happy.

Always.

Until we meet again—because we will. That’s an order.

Your Da

Senior's Letter to Declan

Declan,

You might know by now that I’ve written each of you boys a letter.

I’m sure it’ll come as no surprise that I wrote yours last.

I wish I knew why I always struggled to connect with you. I wish I knew why I was so hard on you. I wish I knew why I didn’t like you.

Those are tough words for a father to write, especially knowing what’s coming my way.

‘Like’ is such a funny word.

So weak and yet so powerful.

Do I ‘like’ any of my boys? I suppose. Each of you has your traits that help me connect to you, but Declan, there was always something in you that I never got along with. Whether it was the art or the ballet or the painting, I know you tried, son. I know you did. But maybe it’s for the best we never did.

Maybe that’s how it was meant to be.

As I sit here, I know I was a disappointing father. I let you down repeatedly. I molded you into a man you weren’t supposed to be, but my only defense is one I hope you’ll understand now that you’ve got Shay—sometimes, you’ll do the unthinkable to keep someone you love alive.

Yes, I love you, Declan.

I might not understand you or like you, but I love you. Deeply. You are my boy. You will always be that. And for that reason, I will always want you to be safe—I did that. I made you into the man you are today to protect you because there are motherfuckers out there who’ll take a little hobby like painting and who’ll use it against you.

Look at what happened to your ma. She loved sewing, I got her a shop, and the next thing I know, she’s…

Well, we don’t need to go into that.

I think it’s because we don’t understand each other that I leave this task to you. Not because you’re the liaison with the Sinners, but because I know you’ll get the job done. I don’t say that lightly, mostly because I know you’ll think I’m dumping this at your feet.

I’m not.

You are a father.

You have children who depend on you to survive this cold, hard world…

You must protect the Sinners and their work. You must facilitate it once I’m gone.

When they come to you, you must ensure they are not taken from their path. I’ve come to believe that theirs is the way of righteousness.

I refuse to believe that God himself knows these animals roam his kingdom, is aware that they harm the purest souls in his flock, and would not send an angel to serve justice on his behalf.

Did Lucifer not teach us that an angel can be a demon too?

So, I leave this task to you because you will understand more than Finn could. Finn hides from his past, and for good reason, but you will protect your boys’ future. I need you to protect other children’s futures too, and I trust you to continue this in my stead.

You’re a good son, Declan. I was a terrible father. I can admit that to you easily because of our differences.

I can only hope that you are the father to your boys that I could never be to you. I can only pray that you connect with them, that you can be the influence they need to survive and thrive, and I hope that, one day, when you’re in my shoes, and death is about to embrace you, they care.

When I’m gone, I deserve your apathy at my passing.

Know that I accept this and won’t allow you to feel any guilt for my failings.

With love, always,

Your Da